Archive for May, 2007

MONEY BUYS MORALS:

Thursday, May 31st, 2007

On the catwalk with Beryl Palmer.

Thursday, May 24th, 2007

As promised an array of some of Beryl Palmers most alluring fashions.

Blue eye shadow: I’m not sure if it’s a fault in the actual photo, or if Beryl was pissed when she applied her blue eye shadow, but it looks as if she’s smeared it up her arm. We can also see Beryl isn’t as poor as she makes out, as she obviously has at least two watches judging by the tan mark on her arm. Upon close examination we can see that Beryl either has a lump of spinach on her tooth, or she pre dated Madonna’s gold tooth fashion accessory by about twenty years.

Ribbon: Aaaaah lovely, red taffeta how can you go wrong with that?. The little red ribbon around Beryl’s neck reminds me of the yellow ribbon’s American’s tie around tree’s whenever a hostage is taken, maybe this is Beryl’s message, that she is a hostage to taffeta and extreme fashion.
I have no medical training whatsoever, but i am a little concerned about the obvious fluid retention in Beryls hands.

Swizzle stick: Not sure what is going on here, Beryl may have a little Indian influence happening, then again, maybe she got the pattern wrong, and misjudged the hem of her smock when she was running this up on her pfaff. I’m loving the Baby Jane rouge on the cheeks, and she’s got a glass of larney juice as an accessory, now THAT’S style.

Gut buster: Okay, it’s obvious now from the number of photo’s of Beryl having a tipple, that they had to get her pissed to wear some of these frocks. The skirt Beryl is wearing in this photo, is the kind old ladies usually wear to disguise a fibroid growth. As a bonus we get the Tammy Faye eye make up, and the ever disturbing, puffy sleeves.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrr: Red and green should never be seen, either dye the hair Beryl, or lose the frock!

Cardie: B/w, but how artistic. You know i never saw Beryl wearing a cardie with her arms through the sleeves, she always wore them over the shoulder, which must have been a pain in the arse on those cold, blustery, Melbourne days.

Blue ruin: Only Beryl would think to match the blue piping on her sleeves, with her eye shadow.

Podiatrophile: A revealing close up of one of Beryl’s gorgeous gold heels, i must say, I’m mightily impressed that there is nary a sign of a corn, unless she’s had them shaved off. You can tell she lives in heels, by the almost Japanese foot binding shape of her toes.

The Shaggs.

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007

What can be said about the group The Shaggs? Perhaps the most unerving thing is, they were full on serious. When you listen to this, you will realise just how scary that concept is.

Family ties.

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007

It’s a total pisser to me that huge amount of my family now lives in Queensland, but thankfully we have all stayed close. I was flicking through a photo album the other day, and found this photo of Adam and i, taken with my niece Michelle last year. The photo next to it showed me with my sister, as well as Michelle and her two sisters Kylie and Danielle in the surf at Mollymook, when we were just little kids. Whats with all this reflection lately with me?, pulling my old notice board to pieces, finding old photographs, throwing out a heap of old stuff i once clung to, am i De-nesting?.

PIC 1: I was lucky enough to have a lot of my nieces and nephews born soon after me so the bonus is that they are all more like brothers and sisters to me than nieces and nephews, i was only seven when my third niece was born!

PIC 2: Me, my big sister, and three nieces in the surf at Mollymook. Every summer the whole family, inc aunts, uncles, cousins etc would decend, en masse to Burill Lake on the south coast. Unless it was pissing down with rain, we would spend pretty much every day at the beach, not just one, but a whole array of beaches. I’m not exagerating when i say that, each day we spent hours swimming, and surfing on our Merrin surf mats. As soon as we got to the beach we would race in, and only come out every now and then for a drink, and lunch, which i remember as vegemite sandwiches, and orange Minor orange juice in a foam insulated drinks container. As soon as the food had settled in our bellies, we’d race off back into the water for another couple of hours. When i look at these old photo’s, i can’t believe how skinny i was, it must have been because of all the time we spent in the surf. Maybe i need to get myself a surf mat again.

Recoil.

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007

I’m not one who agree’s with violence in any form, but lets face it, Beryl Palmer in ‘Son’s and Daughters’ probably deserved at the very least, a fierce berating for all the fashion attrocities she inflicted upon the general public over the years.

Going back to those moments of, ‘I should have known i was gay when .. ‘

During a recent clean up, i found a video tape i had made years ago of Beryl’s fashion disasters I used to tape the show, and edit all of Beryls entrances together, so it’s one long putrid fashion parade. Even more scarey was turning up my stash of late 70’s/early 80’s Tv Week magazines, where i had kept each issue that featured the salubrious Beryl. I think it’s only fair to share some of those images, with those foolish enough to visit this page, stay tuned.

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007

SIGHTS AND SOUNDS:

A few weeks ago my mate Dave from Melbourne paid his first visit to Wollongong, we crammed heaps in in two days, from perving at surfie boys at the beach, site seeing at the top of a mountain AND a full on ‘RAWK AND ROLL’ concert, i think Dave was quite surprised that Wollongong wasnt some grimey impoverished industrial town which to most people still is the perception.

PIC 1: This is still one of the best views i’ve seen anywhere, it’s the top of My Keira at the back of Wollongong.

PIC 2: Ahhhhhhhhh Dave, there’s something i’ve got to tell you .. the lookout where we are standing in this photo slipped about a thousand metres into the valley below two weeks after this pic was taken, lucky we got it when we did!

PIC 3: ‘HELLO WOLONGONG!!’ and so the cry went up from the stage at the Paul Stanley concert at the Wollongong Entertainment Centre, i kept commenting to Dave ‘Wow, he still has a full head of hair’ .. nup, plugs. ‘Wow, his face still looks youthful’ .. nup, lifted ‘Wow, he still moves really well’ .. nup, two hip replacements. Call me old fashioned but maybe i’d better stop asking questions about my heroes as it only ever leads to disappointment, next thing i’ll be hearing is that Brittney really IS sane.

PIC 4: Total t shirt envy, Dave turned up with this shirt and i really think it’s one of the coolest ones i’ve ever seen.

Spin a platter.

Monday, May 21st, 2007

For the longest time i’ve been collecting putrid album covers, i can sniff out a Mrs Mills album from a mile away. I’m going to start posting a few of them here, how many ‘K-tell’ album covers will you be able to stomach?

Monkeyus Bellius Fantasticus.

Tuesday, May 15th, 2007

Desecration.

Saturday, May 12th, 2007

Oh Courtney, Courtney, Courtney .. what have you DONE to yourself!!?? what made you think you would look better after having someone batter, and slash away at your face!?. This is so, so, wrong. You were so beautiful before this.

Saturday, May 12th, 2007

MORE FROM THE NOTICE BOARD:

Chug-a-lug darl!: It’s hard to tell weather the delectable Pauline is slamming down a shot glass, or sculling something from a specimen jar, looks like a specimen jar to me. Is it just me or does her nose look like it has a permanant groove in it from accomodating said shot/specimen glasses? .

Pauline the fashionista: Oh my lovely, no one tucks in a ‘Magnetic island’ t shirt into to her Supre jeans and comes off looking stunning quite like Pauline, and tho you cant see it i just know she is wearing cowboy boots with the jeans tucked into the top, or maybe an erection rousing pair of white joggers .. oh my dear sweet Pauline, didnt my heart beat with pride when the Ostrayan nation took you to their hearts on ‘Dancing with the stars’, yes indeedy it filled my heart with such hope to see how the Ostrayan public took you in as the poster girl for all that is white, bright .. and not a little bit brown, or gay .. what a fantastic country of forward thinking, individualistic people we have down here in Ostraya.

Saturday, May 12th, 2007

EXIT, STAGE LEFT:

Recently Adam has been using me as a stunt man for some of his little projects, as a mock up for a new web page he built he needed me to act as if i was being pulled off the stage with a hook around my neck, this wasn’t too bad, but then ..

He needed me to have my head cast in latex and plaster to make a life mask, i was assured I’d be alright ‘We’ll leave some holes where your nostrils are, we looked this up on the net’ riiiiiiight, that makes me feel a lot more assured, of course the net didn’t mention that plaster when drying becomes hot, which causes ones sinuses to swell and close!!

The spooky end result, by the way, that’s the real me on the left!

Friday, May 11th, 2007

JFKFC:
Ahhhhhh Joan, you’ve got to love her, what a toiler. When she wasnt starring in TROG opposite a man in a papier mache gorilla costume, she was flogging Pepsi, working the Oval office or trying to get the secret of the eleven herbs and spices out of Colonel Sanders, what a gem.

Thursday, May 10th, 2007

MEETING DIANA:

Talking to a friend in an email about Diana prompted me
to remember the time i met her in 1988, I’m a Di-ist not
a Royalist so meeting Diana was a dream come true, it still
rates right up there on my ‘ga ga’ list ..

It was January 1988 and Diana and Charles came to
Wollongong to open the IPAC (Illawarra Performing Arts Centre)
i got there early and
cased the joint out, looking for spots where Charles and Diana
would have
to slow down or stop there walking, i found out they
were going to enter the town hall through the back door
so they would have to walk up there from where they were sitting
for the ceremony. During my
sniffing around i overheard a girl talking near the
back door and she was telling someone that her mum was
the deputy Lord Mayor
and that her mum was going to try and bring Diana over
to meet her, strait away i channelled Larry Tate and
became this girls instant best friend, seeing i was there
early i was in the front row and no interloper was
going to get in front of me.

Sure enough after the BORING speeches were made Diana started to
walk up towards us and i was horrified to see Charles the
ninny was working the crowd on OUR side!! but
when Diana got closer the deputy Lord Mayor said to Diana
‘Princess Diana my daughter is just over here, could you say
hello?’ so bless her Jimmy Choo pumps she said ‘Of
course!’ and came over to us, the best part was
watching the crowd moan and hiss when she left the
side opposite and Charles had to go and apologise and
stay out of peoples way while they strained to look at
Diana who was now on out side of the walkway.

To this day the memory is seared into my brain, she
stood no more than a foot away from me talking, and
honestly for a young queen i was struck by her natural
beauty, her skin WAS translucent and her eyes crystal
clear blue, when it came time for me to say hello and
shake her hand, protocol flew out the window as i said
‘Hi Di’ as i shook her hand and just talked shit, i know it’s
been said a million times before and people would say it was just the excitement of being close to her, but she really did exude a lovely warmth, a beautiful
aura, i’ve only felt this one other time and that was when i met Linda McCartney, some people really do have a radiating beauty.

As soon as she moved away i pulled a tissue out of my
pocket and wiped her blue blood DNA juices onto it,
i still have the soiled tissue safely tucked away.
The photo’s i took that day aren’t that clear as it was
so bright and hot and the reflection of the
late afternoon sun on the surrounding buildings hit
the lens, but the heat DID mean that Diana was broiling
up a good pool of genetic sweat on her palms which enabled
me to get a good swipe onto my poised Kleenex.

Just as Diana moved past me someone behind us was
standing on an old wooden fruit box and in their
excitement must have been bouncing up and down on it,
sure enough the rickety old crate gave way and splintered
and broke apart, this would
have been funny except the sound of the timber splintering sounded like gun
fire, Diana’s security all grabbed for their jacket
pockets and armed SWAT officers popped up from on top
of the surrounding buildings (which i filmed on an old Super 8 camera, shades of Mr Zapruder) the crowd laughed when they realised it was just the
fruit box that had fallen to pieces and security visibly relaxed,
but for a few seconds it was a little hairy.

I’ve met a lot of famous (and imfamous) people over the years, but to this day meeting Diana remains very special.

The Royal Slaynel: Well you’ve got to give it to Wollongong, we do try, sure we couldnt offer Charles and Diana a Rolls Royce, but it does look like they at least gave the old Ford Fairlane a wash and a polish.

Diana: I snapped this photo just before Diana stopped in front of us for a chat.

The Kleenex: Below we see my forensic pride and joy, a smear of Diana’s DNA from her sweaty hand.

New Idea: Below is a photo of Diana in Wollongong that was printed in New Idea.

Thursday, May 10th, 2007

HARRISON’S LAMENT:
Alas, alas dear sweet Harrison, for we did but know you such a short sweet time, oh wondrous faux blonde moppet shafted from Big Brother before we had the chance to gaze apon your pert sweet anus, protruding incisors catch the glint of the morning sun, blonde downy welcome mat awaits my tired and journeyed feet. Cast aside from the realms of reality tv back to the even more awful reality of unemployment, you have given us joy ever so briefly with your dimples and snail trail of perfection, artificial dread locklettes studio 54 mid calf white socks a wonder of 50% cotton and 50% brynylon. Begone!! you haggard buzzard Gretel, be silenced you excessive sibilancer! for this year you offend me .. alas, alas.


Wednesday, May 9th, 2007

NOTICE BOARD: Ever since i was a teenager i’ve had a notice board stuck up on my wall where i pin up and stick all sorts of shit, it’s followed me around wherever i’ve moved, last week i decided it was time to strip away the layers and file the bits and pieces away, it was sorta funny seeing all these scrappy memories, before i threw them in a drawer i scanned up a few bits and pieces that i stuck up on the board.

Hot Rod Dog: I’ve always had a thing about dogs in slings and carts, i think it harkens back to a dog i saw when i was just a little child that had been hooked up to a kids play trolly when it had lost the use of it’s legs, i see now some of these disabled pooches even have mag wheels and suspension!.

Rosey Cheeks: Mariana and Barb’s sent me this stunning card, Hilary looks like she would have stinky hair.

Bored Doodlings: I got bored one day and doodled on this postcard in Melbourne and then mailed it to myself, what a sad plonker i am.

Baltimore: A crab scratchie i purchased in Baltimore the store i got this was the setting for a John Waters movie, i still cant believe i didnt buy a ‘I got crabs in Baltimore’ t shirt, oh well .. i’ll just have to go back.

JFKFC: My luggage tag from New York, the greatest city in the world (besides Sydney and Melbourne) i’d live there in a flash and felt like it was my home after just two days.

Pretty Pretty Dr Smith: Ah yes, the Hey Homo parties at HOME night club at Cockle bay, how novel that the urinals were mirrors with cascading water down them .. it’s art sweetie.

Thursday, May 3rd, 2007

3D:

I love this retro photo, it’s an old slide from a drive in theatre advertisment. It’s especially cool because it looks 3D on the computer screen.