NEWTOWN: At the moment Phillip is up from Melbourne for work so on Saturday night i went up to visit him in his suite in the Sydney Hilton .. the poshest hotel i’ve ever set foot in, we then drove in to Newtown to meet up with Jake, Beryl, Andrew and Chris, who brought along some mutual friends which was great as i usually see them at Sleaze but missed them this year. How can you fault a night out with your friends?
HEY HEY BOB, I WANT TO MARRY YOU TOO: A very odd weekend was had by me, it started off on Friday night with myself and a group of friends going out for dinner and then attending the Bob Downe and Denise Drysdale show at the IPAC, the meal started off promising when one entree was delivered, then i lifted my top plate to discover a deceased blow fly laying on the bottom plate, got the plate changed but then nothing else, no food .. no service after an hour and a half we went to the counter and thanked them and asked if we could have our food in plastic containers because gee, we had other things to do, like be at a show in five minutes!! i cant believe my restraint, but i was in mixed company and my seething had to be plugged, we grabbed our food slops .. which is the only correct description for the shit they put in the plastic containers for us, threw them in Christine and ran to the show. The show itself was a little rough around the edges as it was only the second show of the tour, Bob carried the day with his usual camp and bitchy comments, i was pretty happy to get a pic with Bob and Denise after the show, i am now willing to confess that the very first single record i ever purchased with my own pocket money was ‘Hey Paula’ by Ernie Sigly and Denise Drysdale, there .. i said it.
PIC 1:
Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?
PIC 2:
Leg-art.
PIC 3:
Denise Drysdale.
PIC 4:
The ladies with Bob Downe.
PIC 5:
Better left uncaptioned.
SILVERFINGER: On Tuesday night myself, Steve and Melissa headed off to the Wollongong Entertainement centre to watch the Silverchair and Powderfinger concert, it was pretty awesome but it was funny as i was squished in with all these thousands of Emo twinks, i said to Melissa that i felt like ‘Ye olde father twink’, also got to meet up with a friend from the theatre Andrew, somehow we got on to the topic of lacing my body with explosives when i’m cremated, it was one of those nights.
100 THINGS ABOUT ME:
1. My name is Gregory Robert Jaimes Swan, I was named Gregory after the apparently handsome partner of the woman who was in the next bed to my mum in the maternity ward, other names up for consideration were Adrian (my preferred choice), Brett (rejected after my cousin told my mum it sounded like Brat, again Brett would have been a preferred option) My middle name of Robert comes from my uncle, second middle name is Jaimes .. long story, in a fit of boredom or more likely ‘Under the weatherness’ two friends and I decided we would officially change our names as we figured ‘Why not, you can change everything else, why be stuck with a name?’ so we grabbed a book and opened the pages randomly and put our fingers on the page and whatever was first or closest would be our name, my friend Phillip ended up with ‘Bentley Race’, my friend Marc had ‘Charlie Speed’ and I got ‘Jaimes Dylan Conran’ I was pretty pleased with this as I had wanted to add James to my name for a long time, it was the first name of my great x lots grandfather who first landed in Australia, the others pretty much forgot about the official part of changing there names but I went as far as going to the dept of ‘Births, deaths and marriages’ but when I found out it was going to cost about $100.00 to change my name on paper I balked, but later found out you only have to sign your name for so long and it becomes official anyway, thus for the last twelve years I have added Jaimes to my name. Equally as twisted is my last name of Swan, it appears changing names in this family is somewhat of a tradition as when we had our family tree traced we found out our real last name isn’t Swan but was changed from ‘Hornsby’ after a ‘family scandal’.
2. I don’t like being called Gregory, it just sounds too posh and gay, and I’m only called that by my mother when she is antsy with me.
3. I have various nicknames most common is Spud, Reg or Tammy and Liz.
4. I just break 6’0” in height if i tease my hair, I have no idea how tall that is in cm but i always thought i was much taller, maybe everyone’s just a lot shorter than i thought.
5. I am a sook who has been known to cry at an episode of the Brady Bunch and most recently an episode of ‘Extreme make over’.
6. I was born in 1965 and I’m now happy to admit that, I have the runs on the board and I appreciate each and every one of them.
7. My family have been in Wollongong for as far back as anyone remembers, I was born in Sydney but have never had any other postcode besides Wollongong.
8. I don’t smoke, tho I can.
9. I love to laugh, and live to laugh, I think if I spent less time laughing in school I’d be in a really cool job now, but I also believe laughing is a way we get through things.
10. I am prone to absurdist statements, which many people take as me making a serious comment, this cracks me up even more as so many things in life are so beyond out of control and deeply bad the only way I can cope with this fact is to joke about it, to emphasise the absurdity of what is confronting me.
11. I sleep lightly, and can’t sleep in, no matter how long I’m on holidays for I always wake at the same time, sort of like Kramer’s internal alarm.
12. I always feel I need more sleep, and I probably do I just have to get to bed earlier which is easier said than done, also stoning the Koal that lives in the tree outside my bedroom window would help.
13. I used to have to sleep with earplugs when I lived literally between six lanes of traffic.
14. I don’t drink coffee.
15. My handwriting looks like a child’s.
16. I have a social phobia and can’t write when people are watching me; I misspell and leave out letters.
17. All my family have beautiful handwriting.
18. I have two sisters and a brother who I get along great with, I don’t see my brother and one sister that often as they live in another state, I also live in another state but that’s another story.
19. I consider my brother in law and sister in law as my siblings, I can’t remember a time when they weren’t part of my family, I feel equally close to them as my blood siblings and when asked i tell people i have two brothers and three sisters.
20. I play the drums, I had lessons when I was a kid but the teacher told my dad that I was better off teaching myself as the theory was holding me back, I was a more natural player.
21. I can’t read music.
22. I have driven since I was a child, my father would sit me on his knee and let me drive home the last half a kilometre or so whenever we went out.
23. I was twelve when I drove solo for the first time, my sister in law convinced me to drive down the beach by myself to pick up my brother, not sure where my parents were.
24. I was once busted by an off duty police officer driving around and around in a car park, my dad was with me and the cop told him I should give it a few years.
25. I just cant do Sci Fi, the world is weird enough.
26. I have a strong creative drive but lack the confidence to push it’s limits.
27. I have been in the same job since I was eighteen.
28. I used to be amazingly lucky on chocolate wheels at fetes and fairs.
29. I adore the smell of hardware stores.
30. I adore the smell of many things, in fact I really am quite ‘Nostro’ like Divine in Polyester I love to smell things, and I remember smells and can relive them in my mind, I vividly recall the smell of the jelly printing tray in my first year school class, i guess you could call me a snifter, people have.
31. I secretly wish I was Jason Falkner.
32. I collect ‘Little golden books’ I find the illustrations and artwork in them, especially the older ones amazing.
33. I love Thai food and if i could only have one type of food for the rest of my life it would be that.
34. I have been vegetarian for fifteen years.
35. My mother still thinks my teeth are going to fall out and that I will fall to pieces because I don’t eat meat, and people still ask me “So you’re still vegetarian?” as if I’m an alcoholic fighting the urge not to drink, ahhhh let me assure you there are no urges or deep seeded desires to eat flesh.
36. I love animals, and I’m an animal liberationist but I just cant do the whole cuddly cat and dog thing.
37. I’m totally allergic to cat hair.
38. I have never lost a true friend.
39. I still have several friends from when I was a child, we don’t see each other every week but when we do catch up it’s like no time has passed at all, probably my two oldest and closest friends would be the two Julies I went to primary school with, even back then I had fag hags.
40. I am single, given the choice I would take a relationship; there is a lot to be said for them.
41. I am a very philosophical person, i’m amazingly insightful and deep, i’ve had many many amazing experiences and conversations that have led me on, and to a knowledge, understanding and belief that everything ages except the soul, it grows and becomes stronger and brighter when everything else fades .. oh, and i’m very humble ha ha.
42. I can’t play cards, although I used know a really cool card trick that people could never figure out, it was the one puzzle-ish thing I could do.
43. I could fly before I could figure out a Rubiks cube.
44. I’m learning Buddhist meditation, I got sucked in tho thinking it would be chanting and half of it is muscle busting Tai Chi!.
45. I find it hard to slow my mind and think of nothing, especially when my mind is saying ‘But you’re thinking about thinking of nothing!’.
46. My legs aren’t very strong, tho I have killer calf muscles that even bitter drag queens compliment.
47. I can sorta kinda sing a bit, and I used to be good when I was trained in a choir.
48. I seem to have a large number of friends, unfortunately they are scattered across the four corners of the globe, does the world have four corners? I mean its round.
49. I’m a pop culture freak.
50. I have no idea or concept of punctuation.
51. Dark chocolate is vile.
52. Olives are vile.
53. I like tea, my favourite being earl grey, chamomile and Lemongrass and chilli.
54. Milk makes me fart.
55. Soy milk doesn’t make me fart; you’ll be pleased to know I drink soy milk.
56. I cannot dance in a formal setting, in a nightclub yes, but once some formal choreography becomes involved I cannot for the life of me co ordinate myself, this baffles me, as a drummer I thought I’d have that co ordination sorted out.
57. I have never worn eyeliner.
58. I chose to celebrate my 40th birthday after much contemplation, I realised it was a landmark to get to a significant age.
59. I love to read, and I usually have about five books on the go at once, as well as heaps of magazines, my former partner nailed it when he called me ‘scattered’.
60. I love creative writing and I will allow myself that one concession that maybe it is something I’m good at, call me a wank.
61. I don’t like surf sandals and I don’t trust people who wear them.
62. I have good looking feet.
63. On my upper right leg is a large area where I have no feeling.
64. I firmly believe respect is earnt.
65. I don’t wear gold jewellery.
66. My hairdresser is fabulous and I have gone to her for over ten years now, she knows all my secrets and i hope she has deleted the sms i sent her from Mardi Gras by mistake.
67. I don’t have a particular ‘type’ I have learnt that attraction comes in all shapes and sizes and that ultimately it is the makeup of the individual and the connection between the ‘two’ people.
68. I have worn converse Chuck Taylor high side sneakers since I was about ten, I have photos from way back then of me wearing them, they are almost my trademark.
69. I always seem to buy jeans one season out of date, but then that’s hot as it makes them embarrassingly retro, to new to be old too old to be new, that uncomfortable fashion phase of not in and not out, people think I just don’t have fashion together, I do .. I just like to upset people who place importance on these things.
70. When I find a shirt I like I buy a heap of them.
71. I don’t like tight shirts, and they don’t like me (one exception here, i love my black Bonds wringer tight t shirts .. but thats it)
72. I’m a romantic who dreams of happily ever afters for everyone, tho I’m realist enough to know that there is no forever.
73. I love nice soap, honey milk and coconut will do it for me.
74. I love discovering the ‘meaning’ of things, mainly words and reasons.
75. I have never had a beard or a moustache, I don’t like prickles.
76. I have blue eyes that seem to get commented on.
77. I wish I was shorter.
78. I am determined to visit London one day.
79. I love architecture, and have reams of drawings and sketches and plans I have drawn up of homes and buildings.
80. I’m fascinated by buildings and structures and the construction and design of them, the sheer complexity of it all.
81. I only know about three of my times tables, I think I’m numerically dyslexic.
82. Maths is a mystery to me, I used to panic about that but now I just get out a calculator.
83. I have been to the top of the Empire State Building.
84. In my opinion two of the most underrated virtues are kindness and compassion.
85. I cannot understand or comprehend cruelty; I cannot grasp how mankind has not evolved from it.
86. I do not have an addictive personality, that is a gene that passed me by.
87. I don’t really get embarrassed, I figure that only happens when you let things worry you, I figure take ownership of the moment and be proud of whatever happened and just pass it off with a ‘Yeh, I did that’.
88. I don’t know the difference between ‘did’ and ‘done’ and I’m not interested in learning it.
89. I think I have invented a phobia, and that’s when you reach into the shower to turn on the hot water and your arm is sprayed with the cold, I cant stand that and it freaks me out, I have mastered all manner of manoeuvres to whip my arm in and out before the icy splash but every now and then I still cop a cold squirt which can make me feel ill at ease for the rest of the day.
90. My name is credited in about ten books, one of which ‘The Beatles Anthology’ was number 1 on the New York Times best seller list.
91. I am credited in the movie ‘The US vs. John Lennon’.
92. I feel love, my family, friends and things I hold dear, I have experienced it and acknowledge it and I’m on a life long quest to better understand it and appreciate it, I’m excited as with each passing minute it becomes more profound and clear.
93. Music moves me to the depths of my soul, I have had the most extreme, deep and surreal experiences while listening to music, usually in a concert setting, I’ve seen Brian Wilson several times and each time there has been at least one moment when the music has been ‘in’ me, it has elevated me to a higher plane, I can ‘feel’ the music and almost see it, these are the moments where it feels like ice water is trickling down your back.
94. I have a handwritten note over my desk at work that a friend put there, it says simply ‘Time’.
95. I’m a thinker, some would call it ‘Deep’ I find it hard to stumble through life and just take it for what it is, I like to work towards finding out ‘why’ it is.
96. My favourite saying is ‘Life is a journey, not a destination’.
97. I love op shopping; I have it down to a fine art.
98. I can’t program a video and put together anything technical, like tuning in a television, does not compute.
99. Looking back on it I’ve met a lot of famous people, some of the biggies including Paul McCartney and Princess Diana, after meeting those two fame monsters I’m quite cool calm and collected when I meet famous people now, I love the cult of celebrity and it’s always a thrill to meet someone famous or infamous.
100. There is more than a hundred things to know about me.
As promised an array of some of Beryl Palmers most alluring fashions.
Blue eye shadow: I’m not sure if it’s a fault in the actual photo, or if Beryl was pissed when she applied her blue eye shadow, but it looks as if she’s smeared it up her arm. We can also see Beryl isn’t as poor as she makes out, as she obviously has at least two watches judging by the tan mark on her arm. Upon close examination we can see that Beryl either has a lump of spinach on her tooth, or she pre dated Madonna’s gold tooth fashion accessory by about twenty years.
Ribbon: Aaaaah lovely, red taffeta how can you go wrong with that?. The little red ribbon around Beryl’s neck reminds me of the yellow ribbon’s American’s tie around tree’s whenever a hostage is taken, maybe this is Beryl’s message, that she is a hostage to taffeta and extreme fashion.
I have no medical training whatsoever, but i am a little concerned about the obvious fluid retention in Beryls hands.
Swizzle stick: Not sure what is going on here, Beryl may have a little Indian influence happening, then again, maybe she got the pattern wrong, and misjudged the hem of her smock when she was running this up on her pfaff. I’m loving the Baby Jane rouge on the cheeks, and she’s got a glass of larney juice as an accessory, now THAT’S style.
Gut buster: Okay, it’s obvious now from the number of photo’s of Beryl having a tipple, that they had to get her pissed to wear some of these frocks. The skirt Beryl is wearing in this photo, is the kind old ladies usually wear to disguise a fibroid growth. As a bonus we get the Tammy Faye eye make up, and the ever disturbing, puffy sleeves.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrr: Red and green should never be seen, either dye the hair Beryl, or lose the frock!
Cardie: B/w, but how artistic. You know i never saw Beryl wearing a cardie with her arms through the sleeves, she always wore them over the shoulder, which must have been a pain in the arse on those cold, blustery, Melbourne days.
Blue ruin: Only Beryl would think to match the blue piping on her sleeves, with her eye shadow.
Podiatrophile: A revealing close up of one of Beryl’s gorgeous gold heels, i must say, I’m mightily impressed that there is nary a sign of a corn, unless she’s had them shaved off. You can tell she lives in heels, by the almost Japanese foot binding shape of her toes.
What can be said about the group The Shaggs? Perhaps the most unerving thing is, they were full on serious. When you listen to this, you will realise just how scary that concept is.
It’s a total pisser to me that huge amount of my family now lives in Queensland, but thankfully we have all stayed close. I was flicking through a photo album the other day, and found this photo of Adam and i, taken with my niece Michelle last year. The photo next to it showed me with my sister, as well as Michelle and her two sisters Kylie and Danielle in the surf at Mollymook, when we were just little kids. Whats with all this reflection lately with me?, pulling my old notice board to pieces, finding old photographs, throwing out a heap of old stuff i once clung to, am i De-nesting?.
PIC 1: I was lucky enough to have a lot of my nieces and nephews born soon after me so the bonus is that they are all more like brothers and sisters to me than nieces and nephews, i was only seven when my third niece was born!
PIC 2: Me, my big sister, and three nieces in the surf at Mollymook. Every summer the whole family, inc aunts, uncles, cousins etc would decend, en masse to Burill Lake on the south coast. Unless it was pissing down with rain, we would spend pretty much every day at the beach, not just one, but a whole array of beaches. I’m not exagerating when i say that, each day we spent hours swimming, and surfing on our Merrin surf mats. As soon as we got to the beach we would race in, and only come out every now and then for a drink, and lunch, which i remember as vegemite sandwiches, and orange Minor orange juice in a foam insulated drinks container. As soon as the food had settled in our bellies, we’d race off back into the water for another couple of hours. When i look at these old photo’s, i can’t believe how skinny i was, it must have been because of all the time we spent in the surf. Maybe i need to get myself a surf mat again.
I’m not one who agree’s with violence in any form, but lets face it, Beryl Palmer in ‘Son’s and Daughters’ probably deserved at the very least, a fierce berating for all the fashion attrocities she inflicted upon the general public over the years.
Going back to those moments of, ‘I should have known i was gay when .. ‘
During a recent clean up, i found a video tape i had made years ago of Beryl’s fashion disasters I used to tape the show, and edit all of Beryls entrances together, so it’s one long putrid fashion parade. Even more scarey was turning up my stash of late 70’s/early 80’s Tv Week magazines, where i had kept each issue that featured the salubrious Beryl. I think it’s only fair to share some of those images, with those foolish enough to visit this page, stay tuned.
SIGHTS AND SOUNDS:
A few weeks ago my mate Dave from Melbourne paid his first visit to Wollongong, we crammed heaps in in two days, from perving at surfie boys at the beach, site seeing at the top of a mountain AND a full on ‘RAWK AND ROLL’ concert, i think Dave was quite surprised that Wollongong wasnt some grimey impoverished industrial town which to most people still is the perception.
PIC 1: This is still one of the best views i’ve seen anywhere, it’s the top of My Keira at the back of Wollongong.
PIC 2: Ahhhhhhhhh Dave, there’s something i’ve got to tell you .. the lookout where we are standing in this photo slipped about a thousand metres into the valley below two weeks after this pic was taken, lucky we got it when we did!
PIC 3: ‘HELLO WOLONGONG!!’ and so the cry went up from the stage at the Paul Stanley concert at the Wollongong Entertainment Centre, i kept commenting to Dave ‘Wow, he still has a full head of hair’ .. nup, plugs. ‘Wow, his face still looks youthful’ .. nup, lifted ‘Wow, he still moves really well’ .. nup, two hip replacements. Call me old fashioned but maybe i’d better stop asking questions about my heroes as it only ever leads to disappointment, next thing i’ll be hearing is that Brittney really IS sane.
PIC 4: Total t shirt envy, Dave turned up with this shirt and i really think it’s one of the coolest ones i’ve ever seen.
For the longest time i’ve been collecting putrid album covers, i can sniff out a Mrs Mills album from a mile away. I’m going to start posting a few of them here, how many ‘K-tell’ album covers will you be able to stomach?
Oh Courtney, Courtney, Courtney .. what have you DONE to yourself!!?? what made you think you would look better after having someone batter, and slash away at your face!?. This is so, so, wrong. You were so beautiful before this.
MORE FROM THE NOTICE BOARD:
Chug-a-lug darl!: It’s hard to tell weather the delectable Pauline is slamming down a shot glass, or sculling something from a specimen jar, looks like a specimen jar to me. Is it just me or does her nose look like it has a permanant groove in it from accomodating said shot/specimen glasses? .
Pauline the fashionista: Oh my lovely, no one tucks in a ‘Magnetic island’ t shirt into to her Supre jeans and comes off looking stunning quite like Pauline, and tho you cant see it i just know she is wearing cowboy boots with the jeans tucked into the top, or maybe an erection rousing pair of white joggers .. oh my dear sweet Pauline, didnt my heart beat with pride when the Ostrayan nation took you to their hearts on ‘Dancing with the stars’, yes indeedy it filled my heart with such hope to see how the Ostrayan public took you in as the poster girl for all that is white, bright .. and not a little bit brown, or gay .. what a fantastic country of forward thinking, individualistic people we have down here in Ostraya.
EXIT, STAGE LEFT:
Recently Adam has been using me as a stunt man for some of his little projects, as a mock up for a new web page he built he needed me to act as if i was being pulled off the stage with a hook around my neck, this wasn’t too bad, but then ..
He needed me to have my head cast in latex and plaster to make a life mask, i was assured I’d be alright ‘We’ll leave some holes where your nostrils are, we looked this up on the net’ riiiiiiight, that makes me feel a lot more assured, of course the net didn’t mention that plaster when drying becomes hot, which causes ones sinuses to swell and close!!
The spooky end result, by the way, that’s the real me on the left!
JFKFC:
Ahhhhhh Joan, you’ve got to love her, what a toiler. When she wasnt starring in TROG opposite a man in a papier mache gorilla costume, she was flogging Pepsi, working the Oval office or trying to get the secret of the eleven herbs and spices out of Colonel Sanders, what a gem.
Talking to a friend in an email about Diana prompted me to remember the time I met her in 1988. I’m a Di-ist not a Royalist, so meeting Diana was a dream come true, it still rates right up there on my ‘I can’t believe that happened’ list.
It was January 1988, and Diana and Charles came to Wollongong to open the IPAC (Illawarra Performing Arts Centre) I got there early and cased the joint, looking for spots where Charles and Diana would have to slow down or stop their walking. I found out they were going to enter the town hall through the back door, so they would have to walk up from where they were sitting for the ceremony.
During my sniffing around I overheard a girl talking near the back door and she was telling someone that her mum was the deputy Lord Mayor, and that her mum was going to try and bring Diana over to meet her. Strait away I channelled Larry Tate and became her instant best friend. Seeing I was there early I was in the front row, and no interloper was going to get in front of me.
Sure enough after the BORING speeches were made Diana started to walk up towards us, and I was horrified to see Charles the ninny was working the crowd on OUR side!!, When Diana got closer the deputy Lord Mayor said to her, ‘Princess Diana my daughter is just over here, could you say hello?’ so bless her Jimmy Choo pumps she said ‘Of course!’ and came over to us. The best part was watching the crowd moan and hiss when she left the side opposite, Charles had to go and apologise and stay out of peoples way while they strained to look at Diana who was now on our side of the walkway.
To this day the memory is seared into my brain, she stood no more than a foot away from me talking, and honestly, for a young queen I was awe struck by her natural beauty. Her skin WAS translucent, and her eyes crystal clear blue. When it came time for me to say hello, protocol flew out the window as I said, ‘Hi Di!’ as I shook her hand, and just talked shit.
I know it’s< been said a million times before, and people would say it was just the excitement of being close to her, but she really did exude a lovely warmth, a beautiful aura, I've only felt this one other time, and that was when I met Linda McCartney, some people really do have a beauty that radiates.
As soon as she moved away I after our chat, and shaking hands, I pulled a tissue out of my pocket and wiped her blue blood, DNA, royal juices onto it. I still have the soiled tissue safely tucked away.
The photo's I took that day aren't that clear as it was
so bright and hot, the reflection of the late afternoon sun on the surrounding buildings hit the lens, but the heat DID mean that Diana was broiling up a lovely stream of genetic juice on her palms, which enabled me to get a good swipe onto my poised Kleenex.
Just as Diana moved past me someone behind was standing on an old wooden fruit box, and in their excitement must have been bouncing up and down on it, sure enough, the rickety old crate gave way, splintered, and broke apart. This would have been funny, except the sound of the timber splintering sounded like gunfire, Diana’s security all grabbed for their jacket pockets, and armed SWAT officers popped up from on top of the surrounding buildings (I filmed this on an old Super 8 camera).
The crowd laughed when they realised it was just the fruit box that had fallen to pieces, and security visibly relaxed, but for a few seconds it was a little hairy. I’ve met a lot of famous (and infamous) people over the years, but to this day meeting Diana remains very special.
The Royal Slaynel: Well you’ve got to give it to Wollongong, we do try, sure we couldnt offer Charles and Diana a Rolls Royce, but it does look like they at least gave the old Ford Fairlane a wash and a polish.
Diana: I snapped this photo just before Diana stopped in front of us for a chat.
The Kleenex: Below we see my forensic pride and joy, a smear of Diana’s DNA from her sweaty hand.
New Idea: Below is a photo of Diana in Wollongong that was printed in New Idea.
Below: Just about to meet Diana.
HARRISON’S LAMENT:
Alas, alas dear sweet Harrison, for we did but know you such a short sweet time, oh wondrous faux blonde moppet shafted from Big Brother before we had the chance to gaze apon your pert sweet anus, protruding incisors catch the glint of the morning sun, blonde downy welcome mat awaits my tired and journeyed feet. Cast aside from the realms of reality tv back to the even more awful reality of unemployment, you have given us joy ever so briefly with your dimples and snail trail of perfection, artificial dread locklettes studio 54 mid calf white socks a wonder of 50% cotton and 50% brynylon. Begone!! you haggard buzzard Gretel, be silenced you excessive sibilancer! for this year you offend me .. alas, alas.
NOTICE BOARD: Ever since i was a teenager i’ve had a notice board stuck up on my wall where i pin up and stick all sorts of shit, it’s followed me around wherever i’ve moved, last week i decided it was time to strip away the layers and file the bits and pieces away, it was sorta funny seeing all these scrappy memories, before i threw them in a drawer i scanned up a few bits and pieces that i stuck up on the board.
Hot Rod Dog: I’ve always had a thing about dogs in slings and carts, i think it harkens back to a dog i saw when i was just a little child that had been hooked up to a kids play trolly when it had lost the use of it’s legs, i see now some of these disabled pooches even have mag wheels and suspension!.
Rosey Cheeks: Mariana and Barb’s sent me this stunning card, Hilary looks like she would have stinky hair.
Bored Doodlings: I got bored one day and doodled on this postcard in Melbourne and then mailed it to myself, what a sad plonker i am.
Baltimore: A crab scratchie i purchased in Baltimore the store i got this was the setting for a John Waters movie, i still cant believe i didnt buy a ‘I got crabs in Baltimore’ t shirt, oh well .. i’ll just have to go back.
JFKFC: My luggage tag from New York, the greatest city in the world (besides Sydney and Melbourne) i’d live there in a flash and felt like it was my home after just two days.
Pretty Pretty Dr Smith: Ah yes, the Hey Homo parties at HOME night club at Cockle bay, how novel that the urinals were mirrors with cascading water down them .. it’s art sweetie.
3D:
I love this retro photo, it’s an old slide from a drive in theatre advertisment. It’s especially cool because it looks 3D on the computer screen.
FILTH:
First up, that vile, rancid excuse we have for a prime minister, a total hypocritical moron plonker John Howard (or ‘Banzai’ as i like to call him, IE a little bush) the tool has been bleating again about how disgusting Big Brother is ..
” During last year’s “turkey slap” furore, the Prime Minister called for the reality TV hit to be axed.
He said yesterday his views had not changed, and TV shows should “err on the side of good taste”.
And then this ..
But Mr Howard said he had no sway over the shows direction.
Riiiiiight, so lets not mention the ‘Glass house’ shall we.
“Big Brother is an atrocious program,” he said.”
And watching your amoral posturing during televised Parliment isnt?
All the while Howards defence forces are mass advertising during the show to lure the poor young suckers who watch Big Brother and fall for the glamorisation of the defence forces (not saying we don’t need them) but what a festered tool this man is, berating people for watching this, but happy to have them join up his forces to go and fight in his unjust warfare .. we have spray for annoying insects like flies, why cant we have one for Howard? .. also shit for brains, instead of putting so much thought and bluster into reality television people are watching, how about putting a little thought into the people .. the humans you have incarcerated in detention centres? .. OH COME THE REVOLUTION!!
Before i wrap this up, please allow me to take aim at the lumbering carcass that is the equally rancid and atrocious Amanda Vanstone, who was our Immigration minister and proudly presided over the inhumane Australian refugee detention centres, slurry guts Amanda was recently shafted from her cabinet position causing a few insane and certifiable liberals to shed a tear or two at the loss of their poster girl, of course most people with half a brain knew she would be looked after and was this announced as Australia’s ambassador to Italy, upon the storm of protests the vile buzzard had this to say ..
> A day after she was appointed to the role, Ms Vanstone yesterday defended her move, saying she had earned it through a long history of public service.
> “I would say to taxpayers of Australia, I’ve been in Parliament 22 years,” she told ABC radio.
No Amanda, a lowly paid nurse who has healed, bathed, comforted the ill and dying deserves something like this, an ambulance driver etc etc, but not a highly paid and benefit ridden ex pollie like you.
> Prime Minister John Howard defended the posting, saying Ms Vanstone would be a success in her new role.
> “Amanda’s very adaptable and she has a great sense of humour and she’s the sort of person who moves quickly on to the next phase of her life,” he said.
Great! Amanda has a great sense of humour, i mean why wouldn’t the buzzard be laughing!? and her visits to the detention centres must have really been shits and giggles for her.
The salacious Amanda.
Bon voyage Amanda.
BIG BROTHER:
There is no denying it, we are tramps for selective reality tv, usually the shows that involve nudity (Big Brother) or guessing which contestant is gay (Australian idol) or even better something that combines the two! so it was on Sunday that the masses gathered at ‘Tingle Manor’ for the 2007 launch of ‘Big Brother’ Adam sparked up the big screen which seemed to spark up our harsh judgements of all who crossed the screen, including the in between adverts. As is also tradition an aray of food stuffs were brought out to be consumed, this included everything from faux meat (PAL Meaty Bites) in stroganoff, under defrosted cheese cake, starburst jubes, Coke Zero, beak pecked eggs, and Tysons patented rancid, weavel ridden, toxic and expired desert in the form of powder and eggs in a cup to make an ‘Insto muffin’ which as you can see from the photo below looks for all the world like a flaccid turd in a cup. Thankfully Phillip escaped the house before he had to bare witness to our beloved microwave being violated with this gooey display of culinary terrorism.
Thanks to Tyson (a poor mans Annie Leibovitz) for the photo’s below.
NQR muffin: ahhh yes, here we see the results of the muffin in a cup experiment, perhaps he should have tested this muffin on an animal before Adam took it strait on for human consumption.
Big screen: Let me count the ways how i love thee big screen.
Thanks to Claustral for the above photo.
Over the last few days i’ve been moving some stuff out
of my old room at my mums house, under the dust and
spider webs i found a pile of my old music magazines
from the late 70’s/early 80’s, i was totally blown
away when i found my collection of clippings and
magazines on the Aussie band ‘Jimmy and the boys’
I hope you all remember this
outrageous band, they were wild, out of control but in looking back they were a great band. Their shows were equal parts theatre and punk, i
was, and AM, devoted to their cross dressing
keyboard player ‘Joylene Thornbird Hairmouth’
Joylene used to faux disembowel herself on stage using
offal, all the while Iggy the lead singer would be
burning baby dolls around her.
In 1980 Joylene ran for the senate and i remember my
sister who worked for the electrol commision at the
time keeping me up to date with Joylenes progress, i
just found the below info on the net, Joylene v’s
Fred Nile!! (Where are you now Joylene!? we need you in
the senate now more than ever!)
1980
SENATE
NEW SOUTH WALES 3,184,997 enrolled, 2,999,196
(94.2%) voted
=======================================================
Five senators to be elected: Quota for election
452,977
——————————————————-
Fred Nile CTA 110,940
04.1 Group A
Joylene Hairmouth 4,334
00.2 Q:0.010
2nd count: McClelland’s 754,205 surplus votes
distributed
————–
Nile 430 (00.1) 111,370
04.1
Hairmouth 31 (00.0) 4,365
00.2
——————————————————–
> 754,205 2,717,858
——————————————————
Classic!! over four thousand votes for a drag queen
way back in 1980!, remember .. this was way
before Priscilla, The sum of us, Queer as folk etc, Joylene
was at the forefront of all that came after.
I remember as a fourteen year old sitting up in the
school library with my friend Vinnie making up ‘How to
vote’ pamphlets for Joylene with a drawing of her on
the front, i absolutely mastered colouring in Joylenes
patented beehive curved wig (‘The Blade’ as we called it)
somewhere during one of my moves i lost the last of
these drawings, i still had one up until a couple of
of years ago, i remember one
of the policies was ‘Put a scone in parliment’
I think i even wrote a song about her, one of the lines
was ‘She’s the queen of the queens’.
To this day whenever mum comes back from the hairdresser
and she’s worried her hair is a little over teased, mum
will ask us ‘It’s not too Joylene is it?’
My friend Ves once told me of a game .. ‘You should have
known you were gay when …. ‘ where you think back
and list the obvious signs, when i think back, how did
i kid myself that people didnt know i was a flaming
queen! a fourteen year old becoming politically active
and aware by supporting a disembowling drag queen!!??
I also found a heap of cassettes at mums that i’d
taped using a little tape machine i’d set up in front
of the tv speaker, they were full of Bette Midler and
Debbie Harry interviews! and i DO remember my
mum saying to me once ‘Dont you think you should like
younger girls?’ .. seriously another ‘You should have
known’ moments.
Please enjoy my humble little tribute to someone who
touched a closeted young queen in Wollongong with her
guts and glory at a time when Australia was a lot harsher place ..
Joylene Thornbird Hairmouth ..
Below: This is a screen capture from the ‘I’m not like everybody else’ video, i love Joylenes Christine Mcvie wig here.
Below: Screen captures from the video for ‘Product of your mind’ i think i remember reading at the time that this was filmed at WIN 4 studios in Wollongong, i remember being quite excited when i heard that .. being a Gong boy and all, this promo is most amazing for the mere fact that never at any other time was Joylenes ‘Blade’ wig so majestically displayed, there are a couple of photos below that capture the true splendour of the beserk cranio bush.
BELOW: I just have to comment on the screen capture below, just look at the confidence in Joylene, she looks like nothing in the world could take her on, not even Gamera or Ghidra on speed, the ‘Blade’ wig is fully extended and shown here for the weapon it was .. a weapon of fashion, extended like the arch of a peacocks tail. Please take note in this clip how Joylene attacks the keyboard with stabs of her hands, i cant help but feel Joylenes style of playing was somewhat influenced by the clips of the keyboard player in Lancelot Link and the Evolution Revolution
Below: A still from the ‘They wont let my girlfriend talk to me’ video, to me Joylene looks just like Maggie Dence who played Aunty Rose Sullivan in the tv series of the same name
Below: Maggie Dence (I need a pic of her as Rose Sullivan so you can see what i mean)
Below: Joylene really was the ultimate rock chick.
Below: Cabaret Joylene.
Below: An example of my Joylene art.
Below: Joylene the minx.
Below: ‘Joylene Unlimited’ Hmmmmm, i think Donnie Sutherland who hosted Sounds Unlimited must have had a soft spot for Joylene as i can recall at least a couple of interviews with Joylene on that show (OH to have had a video recorder in those days) as you can see by the photo producer Allan Carr was on the show once with Joylene, and even (gulp) got to don her famous ‘Blade’ wig.
Below: Joylene more recently with Vanessa Wagner, proving she is still all class and beauty.
Below: My favorite photo of our beloved Joylene Thornbird Hairmouth, Thank you Joylene from the heart of my bottom, for without realising it at the time you helped form, nurture and encourage that part of me that likes to dance around and step outside the square, while others are content to stay inside it and never feel the joy of being unshackled from societies mores.
Not sure of the names of the photographers, i know Bob King took a lot of Joylene, please contact me so i can give credit.
SILVERCHAIR:
I’m glad to say i was never one of those negative nellies who used to rag out the Aussie band Silverchair by dismissing them as merely ‘Nirvana in pyjamas’ from their first single i knew there was something special going on, their new cd ‘Young Modern’
is just amazing, i really cant remember the last time i put a cd on and had it on constant repeat, this cd proves that the band are world contenders and that they (in particular Daniel) have come into their own, to quote old Molly the mollusk ‘Do yourself a favour’ and race out and get this cd, it is so eclectic, and can i just be completely superficial and say drummer Ben Gillies is one of the most naturally hot guys i’ve ever laid eyes on, do yourself a favour indeed.
SUMMER WRAP UP PT-2:
It’s now almost tradition for me to go to Melbourne and get addicted to one of the tv series that Phillip is watching, i almost extended one holiday just so i could watch more episodes of Sex in the city with the boys, alas tonight here in Wollongong we’ll be watching the last ever episode of ‘The West Wing’ .. what will become of my Saturday nights now with no distraction of weather or not Josh and Donna will hook up (He doesnt deserve her, you know that dont you?)
Possibley the most fantastic thing about my trip to Melbourne was the discovery that David Jones posh food court in the city sells old fashioned FAT Jelly Babies, not just that but these are the ones dusted in the special powder just like the ones i used to gobble as a kid! trouble is they are fifteen dollars a kilo!!, so i’ve had to make sad and pleading eyes to Phillip so he can be my jelly baby dealer and keep sending me a supply of the puffy wonders.
Some images from the St Kilda Pride parade.
The day i left Melbourne our old friend and sister Beryl was taking my place in the Melbourne Loft accomodation suite, i thought i’d leave a little ‘present’ for her on the mattress, i had to walk all over the city to find the perfect fake turd, i never knew there was such a variety!
2007 was my first year of attending any ‘Midsummer’ events, thats the Gay and Lesbian festival down there, i really enjoyed it and it wasnt as ‘in your face’ as Sydney Mardi Gras, i think behind Phillip and i IoTA is on stage, he was later to blow me out when Tyson and i went to see him in Sydney perform in ‘Hedwig’ .. one of the most amazing performances i’ve ever seen of anyone.
While in Melbourne with Phillip we went around looking at possible houses for him to move to, we sorta liked this place, but when we left i noticed the motorbike spare parts embeded into the lawn and a tree out the front that seemed to be growing beer bottles, we scratched that place off our list.
Summer proved to be a great time for catching up with old friends, and when i say old i mean old (he says laughing and prolapsing at the same time) i’ve been mates with Alex since the Towradgi surf club days and their is a lot to be said for having friends that long, there is an incredible comfort knowing there is never an awkwardness, you can pretty much say and do anything in front of them and it wont get a reaction. Alex and Leah collect kids, i think they are in competition with Angelina Jolie 🙂
Adam and i out to dinner with H and his fiance Manami, over the last few years i havent had the chance to hang out with and see H as much as i’ve wanted to, that seems to be correcting itself lately and we are blessed to have a friendship that even if we dont see or speak to each other for six months when we do catch up it only feels like we saw each other yesterday, i might have to dig into the photo albums and scan up some photo’s from our adventures over the years, i’ve known H since i was twelve!.
SUMMER WRAP UP PT-1:
Tyson Took this photo of us using some weirdo spaceship spy camera thingy he has on his spooky glowing Apple (we’ve shafted the Beatles) laptop, i REALLY want a laptop, but i just cant bring myself to handing over cash to the company that is trying to swallow the Beatles.
PRIX D’AMOR NO MORE:
What a sad day it was when the bulldozers moved in and tore down Rose Porteous’s house of love, it’s to my eternal sadness that i never got to visit and pay hommage to this most important of houses in Australia .. nay, the WORLD! so much Rose chaos was born behind and beyond these walls, the obsessive poodle scrubbing, the overdosing, the script pad mishaps and of couse the rampant drag and fashion shows that usual was followed the next day by a report of Roses collapse from ‘Exhaustion’
Vale Prix d’amor
WANG CHUNG:
You know, call me old fashioned, but if i want advice on my penis i dont think Ugly Dave Grey is the first person i’d be turning to.
PHOTOSHOP TERROR:
This is one of Adam’s latest photoshop efforts where he desecrates my image .. nice.
A REALLY BIG SHEW!:
The photo below was taken during rehearsals for the last show Adam co wrote ‘Atlantis’ and now four years later (Four!!??) we are just about to launch off with his and Amy’s new show ‘The last estiddfod’ it’s an exciting time, but very stressy, i’ll be drumming for the show and i really hope i can do the awesome music justice.
DOLL PARTS:
For a while there Courtney Love was really starting to look glam and really attractive, that was when she had her own face, alas now she has joined the ever growing list of people intent on turning there faces into macabre
masks.
THE BEALES OF GREY GARDENS:
I’m cock’o hoop with excitement after recieving the new dvd ‘The Beales of Grey gardens’ this is sort of a sequel, or part two of the original ‘Grey Gardens’ movie.
It’s filled with more of the Edies freeform bantering and Little Edies amazing fashions, i’ve only watched it once so far .. but i’m sure by the end of the week i’ll have clocked up at least another 15 viewings.
DECEMBER 06:
In October Adam and i moved into a new house, our first real place together .. it’s only taken seven years! but everything has it’s time in it’s time and after a couple of months we’ve well and truely settled in, i really feel it was time for this move .. 2006 has been a year of chaos and change and sickening stress for me, and i felt i was treading water where i was living the last five years, looking back i needed to start making clean breaks both physically and emotionally, so much of the past has anchored me down and it’s time to at least try and move forward. Thanks to Tyson who took this photo of Adam and i last week .. and now on to 2007.
SLY:
Just to prove i dont always pick on girls plastic surgery here is a recent ‘stunning’ photo of Sylvester Stallone who i fear is now well on the way to having a ‘melted face’
YOU’VE HAD IT COMING BARBIE:
Adam just showed me this website .. hours of fun for the whole family, first we start off with some blended Barbies
Now work your way through the carnage, and remember kiddies, dont try this at home .. unless you’ve called me over.
